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Opposites Attract: Starbucks Cups?

Robert Warming and Philip Bailey

In this issue of the Panel, we are continuing a tradition of good-hearted debate between two Belmont Hill VI Formers, Phil Bailey ’17 and Robbie Warming ’17. In it, they will satirically argue views completely contrary to their true beliefs. 

Angry Pagan Atheist (Robbie):

When the temperatures drop and the snow starts to fall, a beautiful thing happens: people come together. We warm ourselves with each other’s company. And then, of course, we roast each other in the greatest religious debate of the twenty-first century: the design of this year’s Starbucks cup.  For weeks, people waited.  Christians and atheists alike armed themselves for a nuclear war of words (or perhaps an actual nuclear war. Trump will be president after all).

And the new cups finally arrived. Cosmopolitan eloquently announced #RedCupSZN: “The Starbucks Holiday Cups Are Officially Here and Holy Sh*t, There Are 13 of Them.”

For once, the Christians, with whom I have absolutely no affiliation, seem happy with the cups.  They’re sufficiently “Christmas-y.”  Well, they are Christmas-y.  Too Christmas-y.

Red and green?  A reindeer?  Santa (or should I say St. Nicolas) riding his sleigh across the sky?  Really?  As a Spiritual Norse Atheistic Neopagan, I was deeply offended, possibly triggered.  

But people will ask me, “Robbie, stop yelling!  What would you rather have on your cup?”  I’ll tell you what.  How about a nice yule log being dragged into a quiet Scandinavian village?  Why not depict a great feast marking the winter solstice with toasts to Odin, Njörðr, and Freyr?  What’s wrong with a nice diagram of the mitochondria, the powerhouse of the cell?  I mean seriously, is that too much to ask?  The Christians get their magic baby and I get my Æsir pantheon.

I know I may be going against the grain here, but Spiritual Norse Atheistic Neopagans are a proud group.  Our numbers are growing.  We may be less than 1% of the American population now, but I guarantee that in ten years we will surpass Christianity, which is at 70.6%.  Yes, technically we are a massive minority now.  But our voices must be heard.  That’s how democracy works.

Therefore, I propose that those who stand in solidarity with me purchase a Starbucks coffee next nippy morning.  When the barista asks for your name, simply respond with “#NotMyCup.”  That will show them.

 

Correct Christian (Phil):

When Starbucks was founded in 1971, it was an esteemed institution grounded in Judeo-Christian values.  For the first forty-four years of its existence, Starbucks lived up to their founding, correct beliefs.  Every year, Starbucks created wonderful Christmas cups, spreading joy and cheer to all Americans.  Now I know what you’ll say, “Philip, ‘only’ 70.6% of the population of the United States is Christian.”  But back when we still had a president from America, everyone enjoyed the festive cups without the liberal media telling them they had to be triggered.  Christmas trees, wreaths, reindeer, ornaments, stockings, these used to be pagan winter traditions before we adopted them.  Christmas may be a Christian holiday, but everyone used to take part in these special traditions and enjoy the love of family that Christmas can bring.  But who am I kidding, liberals wouldn’t listen to a well reasoned argument unless their friend wrote it in the Huffington Post, like seriously is anyone allowed to post on there?!?!  So we will return to the anger that has won us all three branches of government.  

Happy Birthday Jesus!!!  Sorry you soulless, self-hating, soft liberals, but Jesus was born on December 25, and that is simply a historical fact & not one of your silly scientific “facts.”  If baby Jesus was born today, Barack Hussein Obama would abort him.  The public schools won’t teach our children anything about our lord and saviour, they can only teach them not to pray.  And the liberals think the Constitution says the states can’t tell us the truth.  I guess they just stop reading after the First Amendment (‘cause they certainly don’t care about the second one).  These liberals will just believe whatever their biased, liberal, lamestream media tells them.  And now Starbucks employees aren’t allowed to say Merry Christmas.  Yet another infringement on the First Amendment from our fascist liberal “friends.”  

The free market works.  And Christianity has got a monopoly.

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