In this new volume of the Panel, we are continuing a tradition of good-hearted debate between two Belmont Hill VI Formers, Phil Bailey and Robbie Warming. In it, they will satirically argue views completely contrary to their true beliefs. We are proud to present: “Opposites Attract.”
For Sanders by Robbie “Don’t you die on me, GOP” Warming
Until recently, I thought I was a Conservative. I believed in fiscal responsibility and had proudly voted for mi amigo Marco Rubio in the Republican primary. But now that the youthful Marco is gone, I am left with Ted Cruz, whose plan for world domination isn’t so attractive, John Kasich (wait, he’s still in the race?) who’s from Ohio, Hillary Clinton *gags*, and Donald Trump, who is Hitler. My heart feels empty and yearns for a candidate who understands me, who knows where I’m coming from, who cares. And I have found him:
74-year-old Bernie Sanders.
And I get it. Robbie, isn’t he a bit old for you? Robbie, isn’t he going to die in like a month? Are his socialist plans completely unreasonable in a country currently $19.3 trillion in debt?
Yes, yes, and yes.
But he cares, and that’s what matters. Caring is something Donald Trump lacks. Since the 1980s, the Donald has been musing over running for president. And for what? The title. All Donald wants is the flashing lights and a new Trump Tower, D.C. located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Bernie doesn’t want that. All Bernie cares about is free college, free healthcare, free food, free housing, and, hopefully, a free Belmont Hill education. Free is something I can get behind. And sure, some people in the top 1% of the top 10% of the top 50% will have to pay for all of it, but who cares? I’m a broke kid, who’s unemployed most of the year and has $2,000 to his name on a good day. I’m not going to have to pay for it. My kids, maybe, but definitely not me. And I can live with that.
But why not vote for the Hilldog, you ask? And yes, other than the other Republican candidates, Hillary is probably the next best thing to right-wing. Though this is true, she just doesn’t have that X factor, that mojo. She’s just… lame. While Bernie rules the internet, spreading his good word in meme form, Clinton embarresses herself trying to whip & nae nae on Ellen. She’s just too out of touch and unqualified to be a millennial president.
That is why this millennial is Feeling the Bern. This hip senior citizen gets me, so he’s got my vote.
For Trump by Phil “Seize the memes of production!” Bailey
For years our politicians have been selling us out to the highest bidder. The wealthiest people buy politicians and use them for their own purposes. Donald knows this. He has been buying off politicians for years. We cannot afford to elect politicians who are beholden to wealthy people, so let’s just directly elect a wealthy person instead! Bernie Sanders receives his money from ordinary people, not the kind of people who should be having a say in our political system. One can only imagine what kind of people are contributing that $27 average campaign donation. Yes – those people! We need a wall and Mexico will pay for it. China has a wall, and they don’t have any Mexicans there. I love China (China China China China), but they’re beating us because they have a wall. We need to beat China. And these ridiculous young kids thinking college should be free. Donald J. Trump worked his way through college in 1965 with only a small loan of $1 million, no problem. Sure, back then public college costed an average of $2,000 (after accounting for inflation). But that’s irrelevant. Point is: it was easy for him, so screw you. Did I mention he also went to Wharton? Great school. Ivy League. Fantastic. And why do these liberal softies even wanna go to college if they’re just gonna get “triggered” when they get there? Not everyone needs to go to college. I love the poorly-educated by the way. We are done being politically correct. All Lives Matter, black, white, Mexican; you know Mexicans love Donald J. Trump, love ‘em. And now Hillary Clinton is saying she no longer supports Bill Clinton’s crime bill and Defense of Marriage Act. She no longer thinks African-Americans are “superpredators.” Hillary Clinton has flip-flopped on being racist and homophobic. At least Donald J. Trump has remained consistent in his racism. Besides, we need someone to work for cheap prison labor. Especially if our loser government is gonna let Verizon workers protest; losers. We don’t win anymore. Fine, keep protesting. Trump will continue to lock people up who will work for Verizon for free! Capitalism works, especially private prisons; great projects, (Check out the Trump Correctional Facility, top of the line). Trump will continue to keep America #1 in one of the few categories we still lead: per capita prison population. And now Obama wants to release nonviolent drug offenders who have lifetime sentences, which will make us lose in that category! We are losing to everyone with Obama in office, especially China. Trump knows how to win.