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Welcome to the inaugural issue of Volume 68 of The Panel! With Volume 67’s edi...read more

Deflategate Rundown

Here is a rundown of the “Deflategate” facts, in the form of a timeline, from an incredibly unbiased point of view:

January 10, 2015:

Patriots beat the Ravens in an AFC Divisional Round matchup and use tackle-eligible plays (100% legal, as defined by the rulebook).  But, surprise, surprise, the Ravens whine about the Patriots cheating, and Brady justifyingly responds by saying the Ravens “should learn the rules.”

January 18, 2015:

Patriots demolish the Colts in the AFC Championship game, 45-7.  At halftime, the Colts ask the league to test the air pressure of the 12 Patriots’ footballs.  The balls were then replaced, and the Patriots proceeded to outscore the Colts 28-0 in the second half.

Later reports claim that the Ravens told the Colts to inform the league about “deflated footballs,” but of course both of these parties vehemently deny this.

January 19, 2015:

The public finds out about the situation.  All hell breaks loose.  The term Deflategate is born.  Sportscenter talks about it as much as they talk about LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, or Peyton Manning. Stephen A. Smith refrains from calling Tom Brady “a dear, dear friend” and instead battles the valiant Skip Bayless over Brady’s guilt on First Take. Patriots fans shrug it off as Belichick and Brady do in their press conference, not knowing that they will soon have to withstand a siege of their castle of epic proportions.

January 21, 2015:

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen erroneously reports that 11 of the 12 Patriot footballs were 2.0 PSI underinflated.  Over seven months later, he deleted the tweet containing the inaccurate information, yet he has refused to admit its falsehood and has hidden from Boston-area radio shows, for fear he will literally be eaten alive.

January 22, 2015

Bill Belichick holds a press conference that includes a reference to Mona Lisa Vito from the movie “My Cousin Vinny,” a long lecture on the weather during the AFC Championship game, and the ideal gas law (PV=nRT) that rivals his analyses of punt coverages.

This very same evening, Belmont Hill’s own Alex Czarnecki augments Belichick’s argument with an epic 1000+ word proof of the ideal gas law, firmly shifting public support back into the Patriot’s corner.

January 25, 2015

Incredibly respected children’s scientist Bill Nye the Science Guy disputes the argument of Belichick and Czarnecki on national television, stating that “it didn’t make any sense,” yet providing no reason or evidence for this position.

January 26, 2015

In Phoenix, at a live press-conference, Patriot’s owner Robert Kraft demands an apology from the league when all is said and done.  We are still awaiting word on whether Roger Goodell saw this statement before or after the Ray Rice video.

February 1, 2015

Super Bowl Sunday.  Before we get to the good stuff, a video surfaces of officials’ locker room attendant Jim McNally taking the bag of game balls into a bathroom for about a minute and a half on his way to the field, valiantly keeping the balls out of any untrustworthy hands.

The Patriots overcome a 10 point 4th quarter deficit to win the Super Bowl on Malcolm Butler’s interception, perhaps the best play in NFL history.

May 6, 2015

After 3+ months of charging by the hour, Ted Wells released his report about Deflategate, very assuringly saying Brady was “more likely than not” aware of the deflated footballs due to some vague text messages about weight loss and absolutely no hard evidence at all.

May 11, 2015

Roger Goodell fined the Patriots $1 million, takes away their 2016 1st and 4th round picks, and suspends Tom Brady for four games for both his part in Deflategate and his lack of cooperation with the investigation by destroying his cell phone, which Gisele most likely told him to do.  Just for a point of reference, the Saints were fined two 2nd round picks for “Bountygate,” in which coaches told players to purposely injure other players, and domestic violence offenders Ray Rice and Greg Hardy originally received suspensions of two and four games respectively for beating up their girlfriends.

The New York Daily News passed along some examples texts that the league hoped to find on Brady’s cell phone:

Slim Jimmy … It’s me. My balls felt great, thx. The Uggs are in your locker.

OMG, how many times do I have to tell you: Don’t let Garoppolo put his hands on my balls!?!

Bill, anyway we can pin this one on Hernandez?

As long as no one’s filming it, it didn’t happen. Just ask Coach.

Boss … saw you and Rog before the big game. Hope you put in a good word for me.

Can you believe this Bill Nye The Science Guy? Haters gonna hate

Rodney … take it easy on me on NBC. Tks bud

Willie … don’t hit me too hard on NFL Network bro.

Teddy … please punch Brunell. How can he be crying about this? There’s no crying in football!

Don’t worry guys, Gronk will think of something to get us out of this mess.

Can we arrange a sit-down with someone and air this thing out? Maybe Brian Williams.

Peyton … why are you doing this to me? I’m sorry I beat you all those times, but this isn’t fair. plz, make it stop.

May 14, 2015

The NFLPA filed an appeal of the suspension on behalf of Tom Brady.

June 2, 2015

Roger Goodell decides once again it is fair for him to play Judge, Jury, and Executioner and announces he will personally be the arbiter at Brady’s appeal hearing against the punishment that Goodell himself just handed down.  Sources claim that Goodell had only the interest of fairness at play in this decision.

June 23, 2015

Tom Brady appeals his suspension at a 10 hour hearing in New York City.

July 28, 2015

Roger announces that Brady’s suspension will be upheld, just because.

August 20, 2015

ESPN apologizes to the Patriots during a live broadcast.  Two things though: first, the apology took place during the 2:00 AM edition of Sportscenter, obviously in order to maximize the audience, and secondly the apology was for an incorrect report from 2008, regarding a story that the Patriot’s taped the Ram’s walkthrough before the Superbowl back in 2002, one that has been proven false a number of times since then.  A round of applause for journalistic integrity.

September 3, 2015

United States District Court Judge Richard “Superman” Berman overturns Brady’s four-game suspension, allowing Brady to play Week One against the Steelers.

September 10, 2015

Season opener in Foxborough.  Roger Goodell chickens out and decides to watch the game from his basement, instead of at the stadium like a normal commissioner.  Patriots handily defeat the Steelers 28-24.

After the game Steelers’ coach Mike Tomlin tries to blame the Patriots for malfunctions in the coaches’ communication equipment, an ordeal which some dub as “Headsetgate.”  Early in the week other Patriot haters had come out and tried to dig up “Spygate” from its 7-year grave and blame the Patriots for even more stuff they didn’t do. It’s going to be a long year…
But you heard it from me first: 19-0 baby!!!

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