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IM Squash Update

Mr. Craig Schneider runs a tight ship during upper school Intramural Squash. His ragtag group of athletic specimens works tirelessly to get the call-up from Coach Brownell. Coach Schneider is relentless in ensuring that his disciples improve themselves in the sport. “It’s my responsibility to whip these lads into shape,” he claims, “if not me, who?” When asked about his coaching philosophy, the young physicist explained, “Back in England, we have a saying. ‘Football is life.’ On the pitch, you’ve got to be willing to throw some bodies and crack a couple ribs. If you don’t get a yellow, are you even playing the game? If you aren’t watching the match, are you even a fan? Football is a game of skill, passion, and maths. It takes 100% of your dedication and 60% of your DVR storage.” When asked about this impassioned remark’s applicability to the sport he is actually coaching, he elucidated, “Ummm… squash is also a sport, so I think the same applies.”

The coach’s most promising player, President Luke Carroll, has been hitting the courts with intense purpose: “Every day, I visualize what it might be like to get that call-up. It’s still a dream, but I know if I put in the effort I can get there.” Despite his early favorability, critics think the political sweetheart may have plateaued. His progress remains stagnant and, despite nail-biting victories against Montoya and Ghebrelul, he has failed to further improve and diversify his skill set. One source who wishes to remain anonymous said, “if you look at the stats, junior Carroll is more varsity material than whoever’s playing now.”

Perhaps the most surprising development is in regards to senior Morris Smith, whose tireless efforts seem to have overtaken Luke’s. The Harvard commit only picked up a racket for the first time this year, but his work speaks for itself. “He’s a beast,” claims fellow IMer Alex Sousa, “he’s feared on the courts.” Despite a perceived level of camaraderie, it seems that tensions are starting to ride high amongst Coach Schneider’s pupils. Says Sousa, “there’s a lot of stress right now, the competition is heating up. People are starting to realize that winter doesn’t last forever and that call-up gets less and less likely by the day. I mean… Listen, I won’t name names but, you think some people are your friends… At this level of competition, everyone’s just out for blood.” Will the IM Squash crew be able to overcome their differences and rise to a new level before the spring is ushered in? This author is eager to find out.

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