After conducting a thorough, thirty-second Wikipedia investigation into the convoluted subject matter that is metal music, I came up with this definition: an atrocious, unnatural cacophony of hideous sounds that barely suffices to be placed under the category of music. Let me also make one thing clear right from the start: metal music is an absolute abomination and disgrace to all other forms of music. Anyone who likes metal music (see author of article to right) needs to ask a serious question: what poor choices led me to this low point in life? Even Justin Bieber would wince at the supposed music that metal bands create. Even the name of this genre gives listeners a warning: “Hey, this isn’t real music; this is metal!” It’s almost as if someone were rubbing pure metal against metal and somehow managed to jam it through our auditory apertures. Granted there are some talented men with fast fingers who play wicked cool riffs on a guitar, but the sound that comes out of that often pompously loud amp is a pure atrocity to the eardrums. I would personally recommend that if anyone ever tells you that they “enjoy metal,” you should immediately run away, for they are nothing but a putrid excuse for a supposedly homo sapien, a wise man.
Music is meant to inspire mankind. It is not meant to be a screaming match between heathens with jewelry and overgrown hair. Beyoncé, Prince, David Bowie, and Tupac inspired generations of kids to dream of better lives and be proud of who they are and where they came from, whereas bands like Metallica and Iron Maiden only catalyze their fan’s rapid loss of friends and increasing reclusivity in the bubble of metal fandom.
In conclusion, if metal music were a website, it would surely be blocked on Belmont Hill wifi. If you see anyone you love showing symptoms of being a metal fan, don’t hesitate to call your local therapist right away. I hope that your speakers may never be tainted by the guttural sound of metal but be free to enjoy life, liberty, and the pursuit of good music.