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Debate of the Issue: Guacamole

Salsa is a good condiment. Mike Posner is a good musician. The Buffalo Bills are a good football team. All these statements are true. The point that I’m very subtly trying to make is that salsa is good, and if you stranded me on a desert island and said, “Eat this salsa and you can get off this island,” I’d eat the salsa. However, when was the last time Mike Posner won a Grammy, or the Bills won a Super Bowl? I can say fairly confidently without any fact-checking that the answer to both of the aforementioned questions is never (although “Cooler Than Me” was a jam for sure).

The next logical question one might ask is, “Gabe, what’s one word that you tend to associate with guacamole?” Greatness. Nickelback. The New England Patriots. The Lord of The Rings Trilogy. The United States of America. You asked for one word and I gave you seventeen, because that’s how much I respect guacamole.

I think that, when some people debate the salsa or guacamole issue, they only consider the application of the condiments on chips. People love both chips and salsa AND chips and guac, but when I consider salsa and guacamole, I prefer to consider whether I enjoy them on a variety of food items. Take burritos, for example: there’s a reason why burrito places charge extra money for guacamole, and it’s not because avocados are really expensive (well it is, but that doesn’t help my argument). Instead, it’s because people are so desperate for guacamole on their burritos that they’re willing to shell out that extra two bucks for some sweet guac. Supply and demand, gentlemen. Salsa doesn’t have that same special appeal. When I’m biting into a burrito, I’m not focusing on that little bit of salsa that’s sloshing around amongst the rice, I’m thinking about the guacamole that I so wisely decided to pay two extra dollars for.

It’s not just burritos either, though. I will literally eat guacamole on anything. Several can attest that I was spotted in the dining hall just a couple weeks ago eating guacamole on potatoes. It’s like the grownup version of ketchup. It’s like tartar sauce on fish and chips, if tartar sauce were guacamole and fish and chips were every other food in the entire universe. The buttery avocado flavor brilliantly brightens up any dish, and guacamole even functions effectively as a lone condiment (that’s a term that I believe I’ve just coined), capable of being spread on a piece of bread and providing enough substance and gusto.

I’ll say it again; I think that salsa is good. If salsa were going up against pickle relish in this debate, salsa would win. That’s like saying the Bills could beat a JV high school football team. Unfortunately, it’s not going up against pickle relish. It’s going up against guacamole, and guacamole is more than good. It’s great.

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