This past school year, students across all forms have indulged in the pleasure of playing ping pong on Harkness tables. Ping pong has proven to be a great way of taking a break from all the stress that schoolwork piles on students’ shoulders. However, ping pong was recently banned from being played on Harkness tables. Mr. Bracken, whose Harkness table has been the primary surface used for in-school ping pong, devastatingly delivered the news: “Playing ping pong is bad for the Harkness tables and accordingly it is banned moving forward.” This unjust allegation against ping pong sparked outrage among Mr. Bracken’s students. The day following the preposterous ban, many student-led peaceful protests were held in Mr Bracken’s room under the slogan “FREE PING PONG!” Reflecting on the devastation caused by this indefensible decision, Nathan Zhang ’26 rhetorized, “We were pinging and ponging one day, and the next we were singing and songing, but they were sad songs.” Furthermore, top researchers in Mr. Bracken’s AP Euro class have recently uncovered new evidence that depicts Ryan Pohl’s DBQ caused more damage to Mr. Bracken’s Harkness table than ping pong: pencil marks etched into the pristine wood of the Harkness table left it permanently scarred! If ping pong is “Bad for the Harkness tables,” then, applying the same logic, in-class DBQs should be banned accordingly. In order to prevent further restrictions from being made against the student base, we must all rise together in protest. Thus, in no world where justice exists should this tyrannical decision stand, and justice will not prevail until the unfair ban on ping pong is overturned!
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