Water fountain, bubbler, fuente de agua, call it what you want, but we can all agree that these infinite H2O serving apparatuses help us through our days. The Elkay LZS8WSLK is a magical piece of machinery that serves us (usually) clean and (sometimes) cold water. I timed how long each water fountain on campus takes to fill up a new dining hall plastic cup and judged the water on taste and temperature. After testing the bubbler for water pressure, temperature, and taste, I devised an ultimate list of rankings. Below are the top three and bottom three water fountains on campus:
Top 3
- The water fountain by the athletic trainer’s room is magnificent, filling up a medium-sized cup in 5 seconds flat. “[It] has good power and very cold [sic],” said one passionate Fourth Former. Spewing chilly water at an unfathomably fast and hard rate, this fountain is an excellent go-to before a challenging football practice, hockey game, or workout. Thank you to the maintenance team for bringing this fountain from zero to hero (if you know, you know): 10/10.
- There is something special about a water break in the middle of a Mr. Bracken long block. Tied at second place are both Melvoin fountains. Releasing its limpid liquid in 4.9 seconds, the upstairs fountain provides drinkers privacy and speed—this is the quickest fountain on campus. One student described this fountain as having the “coldest and best water,” and another stated, “It is very convenient.” Downstairs, a 7.7-second fountain provides parched students with a cold and scrumptious solution: “My water bottle is filled before I can blink. Truly a work of art,” detailed the Iker Casillas of JV A soccer. To the designers of Melvoin: bravo. 9/10.
- Though many quality fountains were contenders for this bronze medal position, one candidate demonstrated a stellar time and water taste factor: Ceramics. Though out of the way for many students, those who take art recognize how great this fountain is for all water-requiring situations. I recommend you not only take Ceramics but also experience the pure joy of using this water fountain. Yes, this is a hot take. Yes, this is a top three fountain on campus. 8/10.
Bottom 3
- Yellow filter status: the biggest fear a thirst-quencher can take note of on a water fountain. If you are as scared of the yellow filters as I am, file a restraining order on the laughingstock that is the Morse upstairs water fountain. The bubbler barely bubbles and fills up an average-sized cup in a full 14.3 seconds. Whatever liquid comes from this fountain is undoubtedly not water. This mystery juice tastes like lukewarm water mixed with the entire Fall 2018 series of quarters straight from the U.S. Mint. “Sooooo slow…it just takes too long and too many awkward conversations waiting and talking to random teachers,” opined one student. There literally is nothing worse than small talk with an English teacher who subbed for your C block class three times in Form II: 1/10.
- Another abysmal fountain, the double-bubbler across from the trophy case in Jordan, has absolutely nothing to offer a thirsty fella. Yes, the bubbler itself is actually quite nice; however, it took 16.9 seconds (yes, 16.9!) to fill up a dining hall cup. After wasting about half of my Friday afternoon to be blessed with some water, I was shocked. The warm and nasty fluid spewed from this fountain probably gave me COVID. Don’t be a sheep; don’t drink from this fountain. 2/10.
- A locker room water fountain must be better. 11.3 seconds for a small cup is blasphemy. Not only does this fountain waste time before practice, but it also provides you with water that you will not want to imbibe even in the middle of the Sahara. We should all expect better from this water fountain. When in Jordan, opt for the one right by the trainer, not in the locker rooms. 2/10.
