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Welcome to the inaugural issue of Volume 68 of The Panel! With Volume 67’s edi...read more

Debate of the Issue: Sweet Candy

How about we start off with the agreement that all candy is good candy. There have been some debates where I haven’t respected Jay’s opinion but this is not one of them. I respect chocolate candy, I just like sweet candy more. Let me explain why…

When you boil it down, the main difference between sweet candy and chocolate candy is that one is sugary and the other is bitter. Adults will say that as your taste buds mature (they put extra emphasis on that word as if to insinuate that you’re still a child), you’ll appreciate bitterness more, but I don’t buy it. If they think that I’m going to turn 21 and suddenly find a new passion for artichokes and asparagus, they’re sorely mistaken. In fact, I rarely even eat dark chocolate because I find it too bitter, and milk chocolate is a half-hearted attempt to subdue that bitterness.

On the other hand, how could anybody dislike sugar?? I’m going to list off a bunch of sweet candies, candies that are loaded with sugar, and I dare you to even try convincing me that they’re not Hall Of Fame candies — Nerds, Swedish Fish, Pop Rocks (explosions of sugar!!!), Jolly Ranchers, Laffy Taffy, Tootsie Pops, Ring Pops (the OG classic), Mike and Ike’s, Smarties, Airheads, Pixie Stix (literally just sugar), Starbursts, Bottle Caps, Sour Patch Kids (watermelon are my personal favorite), Skittles, Gummy Bears, Twizzlers, Fun Dip, and even Fruit Roll Ups and Gushers, both of which I’ve been adamantly informed are indeed candies. All of those are sugary and all of those are legends of the candy game. If I had to pick a top three I’d probably go with Tootsie Pops, Watermelon Sour Patch Kids, and Ring Pops (partly because they’re just great fashion), but I really didn’t enjoy making that list because it feels like I’m being forced to pick my favorite 2004 Philadelphia Eagles player — there are just so many great options and choosing a top three feels really limiting.

In an honest moment of reflection against my argument, the only negative I can see with sweet candies is that candy corn is technically a sweet candy and it’s probably the worst candy ever made. I mean, deep down it’s really just a bunch of sugar, but the sugar seems to be attempting to disguise itself as candle wax, which is probably not a great strategy. Let’s forget about candy corn, though, because it’s just an outlier, and try to understand that in terms of pure taste, sweet candy is just better than chocolate candy. It’s just science, Jay. Can’t argue with science, can you?

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